April 7, 2013

• I AM VERY HURT AND ANGRY RIGHT NOW

   

   

  I'm in a very bad place right now. This is the time of year, February-April, in 1987, I found out one of my dearest friends and sometime lover, was diagnosed with full blown AIDS. I not only lost that friend (he died before the end of 1987... I think), but I lost all of the friends, in my tight knit group, that day. I attempted to tell my little group of friends our behaviors had lead to our friends fast coming death. (I was not directly the cause of his contracting HIV.  I am and always have been HIV negative.  It was the careless and reckless way we behaved sexually).  I said we needed to take responsibility for ourselves, and talk about possibly making some serious changes. At least 3 more of those friends in our little group would die from complications due to AIDS, in the following years. I left homosexuality because of this episode in my life. I could not save my friends, but I could make absolutely sure I had no one's blood on my hands. Because I loved my friends I chose to change. I was an atheist at the time, so God had nothing to do with my decision.

  I didn't know if I could change, but I could stop having sex. After a few failures to keep my oath: never to have gay sex again, I did finally succeed in not acting out, and that has continued for decades now. But the real change happened after God came and found me in my self-created gay hell. He, and he alone, has changed me. All I've done is follow after him.

  I am very hurt and angry right now. And I don't want to write anymore posts or comments.  You'd think the passage of years would weaken the power of my memories.  Every year around this time I have dreams that my friends are alive.  The dreams are so real, and I'm so happy, but when I wake, rage and grief boil over.  It has been 27 years since the first friend died of complications due to AIDS.  I am angry with my friends, I am angry with Christians, but mostly I am angry with Gay activists who did their very best to keep my friends and I invested in a lifestyle they knew was a death sentence.  At this same time of year, in 1987, a group of HIV infected gay men started a radical group called ACTUP!  They would disrupt business and government meetings with shouts of "YOU ARE KILLING US!"  The only people who were killing "us" were "we, ourselves, and us!!!"   No one ever held a gun to anyone's head demanding we get naked and act stupid.  The lying pigs who made up the membership of ACTUP! were killing themselves and anyone else they kept having sex with.   OKAY!  That will be enough.  I'm turning it off now.  See you when the anger and hurt return to controllable levels

  I hope you understand, and thank you.

  • 3:50 AM
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