At The Very Least Stop Insulting MINE!!

"...the body of genetic determinism needs to be laid to rest.  Whether you hate homosexuals or whether you love them, whether you want to lock them up or 'cure' them your reasons had better have nothing to do with genes.  Rather admit to prejudiced emotion than speciously drag in genes where they do not belong."

~ Richard Dawkins, author of The God Delusion

There is no valid scientific evidence that human beings are born gay, and there isn't any proving humans are born straight either.  Biology simply can't account for the complexities in the variety of human sexual proclivities, behaviors, and appetites.  Actually @mikewb1971 did a recent post with this terrible old question:

"If the biotech and medical fields were to devise some sort of prenatal test, accurate to 99 percent, that could determine whether the baby-to-be was going to be heterosexual or homosexual, would it then be acceptable to abort that baby if it turned out to be homosexual?"

It's a question I've always refused to even consider answering.  I don't like having my intelligence insulted, and I especially hate to be a part of insulting my own intelligence.  But actually the question can be made to show how completely insulting the question is to anyone's intelligence.   Now, Let's follow the logic behind the unspoken supposition at the heart of the question.  "If the biotech and medical fields were to devise a prenatal test, accurate to 99%, that could determine hetero or homo?"  Well if such a prenatal test could be devised to discover sexual orientation then one could be devised to discover if a child would become an Olympic Champion.  By the same token a determinative test could be devised to tell us if a child would grow up to be a taxi cab driver or a ditch digger.   Donald Trump would love that last test.  He could abort any child who couldn't be expected to earn a billion bucks before age 30.   Michael Phelps could influence his significant other to abort, if his soon to be born son, weren't going to be an Olympic Champion swimmer.   Has your intelligence been sufficiently insulted yet??   WELCOME TO MY WORLD!!!  Every time some loud mouthed moron starts spouting off about sexual orientation being biologically determined my face starts melting off.  

Why is it science will never...NEVER, EVER, IN A TRILLION YEARS, come up with a test to tell Michael Phelps his son will or will not become an Olympic Champion swimmer???    Biology cannot dictate what happens to any individual after birth.  Biology cannot pick social, cultural, religious, and etc. environments, diet/nutrition, and other environmental factors.   Biology cannot decide if a person will be molested, starved, horse whipped, kicked repeatedly, or any other good or bad behavior perpetrated by other persons in the family of extended social environment.   Now let's get really stupid with this whole, "What if a test for "stupid favorite cause of the day," were devised?? 

"What if the biotech and medical fields devised a test which could have told Larry Flynt's parents, with 99% accuracy, that he would publish porn, and then in middle age become a paraplegic due to a failed assassination attempt?  Do you suppose they would have aborted little Larry?" 

Are you getting the point, or shall I treat you like a completely empty headed mannequin??   BIOLOGY CANNOT DETERMINE COMPLEX HUMAN INTERACTIONS, RELATIONSHIPS, ACCIDENTS, ACTS OF GOD, AND OTHER SITUATIONS WHICH CAN POSITIVELY OR NEGATIVELY IMPACT DEVELOPING HUMAN MINDS.   Biology determines that humans will develop sexuality, but biology cannot determine how we will chose to express or not express that sexuality.  The body of a 5 year old boy does not send out pheromones to molesters within a 100 mile radius, so that child later develops a twisted way of expressing his sexuality.  There is no Gene Gestapo forcing boys to blow boy, and girls to lick girls.  "Ve haf waisss off making you homo!!! SIEG HEIL!!" Sorry, hate to burst bubbles, but there are far too many non-biological factors at work around us, which effect how we experience our worlds, and how we project ourselves into our world.  Biology sets a very broad stage for each of us, full of potential, but it cannot, alone, make you straight or gay. The proper; right; correct; legitimate; questions to ask have always been:

"How much is intrauterine and how much is extrauterine?  How much is genes and how much is family/social environment?  How much is choice and how much is forced?  How much is hormonal and how much is exposure to any number of negative and positive, productive and traumatic experiences?"

THOSE are the questions science might actually be able to come up with answers for, but the most often asked question, "Aren't people born gay," is a BULLSHIT question, which cannot be answered by science.

Biology does actually narrow the field of possibilities for us sexually.  All of us are born with a sex drive, and not simply a sex drive, but a drive to propagate the race.  How do we know this?  7,000,000,000 humans and counting.  96.5% of the population falls into the "hetro" category.  Just like the drive in humans to survive can be overcome, by a small percentage who commit suicide each year, so a small percentage overcome the procreative drive.  What is far more important and, frankly, more interesting is why humans deviate from the hetro norm.   I accepted, a looooong time ago, that there are people who will never even attempt to step away from their gay identity, and I have always been fine with that.  What is wrong is the expectation that everyone toe the gay line, for life.  I can't tell you the number of people who desire, desperately, to escape a homosexual identity which has become a hated trap.  I'm not talking about going around forcing people into therapy.  The people who are fine with their identity should be given every opportunity to pursue what the Declaration of Independence says they have the right to pursue: the search for happiness. (Of course I'm speaking to my fellow Americans when I talk about the Declaration of Independence).  But those who want to explore leaving a gay identity behind should also be given every opportunity to pursue their search for happiness.   No life is perfect, but I can say, from my own life experience as a self identified gay man, that I am much happier after quitting the style of life I began pursuing in the first half of my life.  I would not return to homosexuality for any reason at this point in my life.  The road of my life has, very often, been a painful and difficult one, but I am better for those experiences.   If you are fine with your sexual preference then I'm fine with it too.  Please extend the same courtesy to those of us, who did/do not like the direction our sexuality points.  

I FEEL BETTER!  If you don't, I honestly don't care.  Please don't waste anymore of my time insulting my intelligence.  Accept the facts or don't.  If you don't want to accept the facts, run along and whine about it on your own blog...  This is, AFTER ALL, my site.  

If you are not of a religious bent, then skip this post.   There is no end to Passion Play productions this time of year.  I've been involved in more than one.  I like them, and they have their place, in telling the story of Jesus' last days.  But once we come to Easter the Passion Plays should end.  Easter is not about death, but life; everlasting life.  Easter is about freedom, change, growing, but mostly Easter is about God overcoming the world.  Easter is God's "And..."  Jesus rose from the dead, rolled away a stone, and delivered his first message about everlasting life.   Jesus didn't give this message to Peter, John, or one of his brothers, James or Jude.  Jesus gave his message of resurrection to one person the woman known to us as Mary Magdalene.   It is Mary who speaks to the other disciples the great truth:

"Jesus said, “Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet ascended to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God."' Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: “I have seen the Lord!” And she told them that he had said these things to her."

John 20:17-18

The disciples had last seen the Lord, lead away by guards to be tried, and unbeknownst to them, at that time, put to death.  Jesus, if you remember, did tell his disciples he was going to die, and be raised to life.  They weren't paying attention, until he actually walked away from the grave and death. 

Easter is not about death.  Easter is about new life.  We're not talking about the rebirth of the earth with Spring.  We're talking about a literal rebirth of the human spirit, not from a man and a woman producing a child.  God creates a new creation when he creates a new human spirit from the stuff of Christ.   In the Bible this new spirit is called "the divine seed".  The word "seed" means "sperm".  God implants a new spirit in an already established human mind and body.  We aren't talking about ebb and flow, or the cycle of seasons moving from new growth in Spring to the frozen death of Winter.  In God's new life there is no ebb, only an eternal flow carrying us toward closer and closer relationship with God.  Easter is all about God conquering the sin and brokenness of and in human kind.  

I've been having an ongoing conversation with one of my best friends, pastor Shawn.  He's come to the conclusion that Christianity today is mostly a soulish pursuit for us today.  I have to say I agree with him.  We're not serving God so much as we are serving ourselves in God's name.  The great social issues we've been confronting for the last 50 years have showed that Christians may "stand against" sin, but there is no one who seems to understand "overcoming" sin.  There is a break down in the life giving connection between the human faithful and the God who saves.  When churches are run by pastors who behave exactly like corporate CEO's there is a serious problem in the collective body of Christ.  When one of the largest churches, The Roman Catholic Church hides massive child molestation and child molesters, there is a big problem in the body of Christ.  When religious people attack, malign, belittle, and completely dismiss broken sinful human beings who have or provide abortions, LGBT people.  A culture war was never God's idea, purpose, will or plan.  The culture war is and has always been the plans of mere men rubber stamping God's name to their plans.  The horrible failure of the culture war isn't the only proof God hasn't been involved, but it is among the greatest pieces of evidence. 

It is time, again for Easter.  Not a rebirth of human efforts to do what only God can do, but men and women surrendering their best efforts along with themselves to God, his perfect will, and his ways of overcoming the world.  If believers in Jesus Christ will not repent and seek God, "...in spirit and truth," then churches will find themselves on the ash heap of history, where they absolutely belong.  God is not a liar, and God is not mocked!  There has always been and there will always be a remnant, but it would be so much better to simply turn away from "self", and back to God, and his righteous ways.  God is waiting, arms open wide, with the warmest Easter welcome!   God is waiting with his "And..." which will bring us unfailingly to the results he has already planned for us.

To Remain Ignorant Is to Embrace Evil

The Roman Catholic Church has elected a new leader; Pope Francis I.  When I first saw him I knew I was going to like him.  There are a few words I'll use for the first Pope from the Americas: humble, simple, gracious, sacrificial, reachable, focused on the poor and needy.  At this point I may sound like I'm a Roman Catholic, but I'm not .  My sister converted to Roman Catholicism as part of the process of being married in the RCC.  I didn't come unglued when my sister started taking class, but we talked A LOT about what she was doing.  I had more problems with the guy she was marrying than her joining the RCC.  Let me be perfectly clear:  ANY BODY OF BELIEVERS WHO ACCEPT THE APOSTLE'S AND NICENE CREEDS IS AN ORTHODOX BODY OF BELIEVERS.  (Orthodox meaning "right thinking", not Eastern or Greek Orthodox, which are Christian sects or denominations).   Do I accept the RCC as orthodox and therefore a member of the Christian family?  I do indeed.  Having said that I always offer the same caveat:  "It is possible to be a born again believer in the RCC, but the RCC places a lot of unnecessary baggage between the faithful and God."  I've said that very thing to Roman Catholic priests.  Every church has what I call their, "holy cows", meaning all of us have some bad theological dogma.  

We've been warned in the Bible that differences would come, and we are also told:

 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

1 Corinthians 13:12

WHAT PART OF "We see...dimly," and, "but now I know in part..."  DON'T SOME OF YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND??!!   What is wrong with you!!!???   None of us has all the right answers.  ALL OF US have got it wrong in some of our beliefs.  Still we stay in our houses of worship with our own holy cows and have the nerve to say to the Roman Catholic, Methodist, or Lutheran, whoever, "You're beliefs stink!"

  In the famous words of Fat Bastard in, Austin Powers In Gold Member, **Speaking of a fart he'd just let. **  "Oh, everyone likes their own brand, don't they?"   We may all like our own brand of stink, but that doesn't make everyone wrong if they don't like your brand.   I spent time in a Calvinistic, Emerging, Southern Baptist Church.  The leadership and most of the members were great.  The leadership of the church decided they would major on what was major, and minor on hat was minor.  The upswing was you didn't have to be a Calvinist to be a member in good standing with this church.  I loved it there, at first; people were accepting and open to learning about other faith traditions, at first; People didn't push Calvinist theology down your throat, at first, but that ended.  The leadership was never my problem, they remained fairly consistent, but others, especially the disciples of guys John Piper, John MacArthur, and Al Mohler, among others, would tell you to your face you weren't a Christian if you didn't believe what they believed.   These modern day zealots are commonly called the "Young, restless and Reformed," movement.  When I had enough of their ignorance, stupidity, harassment, hatefulness, and belligerence, I left that church.   Stink! Stank! Stunk!  They loved their own brand of stench, but their brand stunk the worst.   Now before I go on let me say there are many incredible people in the Reformed tradition.  Michael Horton is one of my absolute favorite theologians, Timothy Keller is a favorite of mine as well.  I greatly cherish what these and countless others from the Reformed side of Christianity offer.

Recently a Xangan has been taking on the Emergent and Emerging movements in Christianity.  There is a great deal to be critical of in both the Emergent and Emerging side of things, and I'm always prepared to have discussions with anyone about it.   I can't do anything about bad and wrong information people are using to support their negative thinking about Emergent and Emerging.  The blogger I refer to couldn't even get Emerging and Emergent right when he talked about them.  They are different movements, which came from the same root.   

I have never been troubled with people who are skeptical and doubtful.  What enrages me is the ignorance of my fellow Christians, and how they mimic our culture by embracing and promoting ignorance.  No one studies, no one investigates their sources, no one sees beyond their own biases and dogma.  I do realize the church most recognized as dogmatic is the Roman Catholic Church.  I'll never be a Roman Catholic, because I believe the RCC still needs reformation.   Ironically, I think the Christian movement most in need of reformation, is "The Young Restless and Reformed" movement.  When Jesus taught about judging he wasn't saying, "Don't judge, ever."  Jesus taught right judgments.  The standard for every body of believers is the Bible, and the Bible tells us that God hates that which causes the breakdown of relationship.  

When I left the first church, I attended after my conversion to Christianity, I went to a church whose pastor taught "Word of Faith" theology.   The Word of Faith movement is better known as the "health and wealth gospel."   My favorite nickname is the "Name it claim it, blab it grab it, stomp it and frame it" theology.   It took 6 months of constant prayer to finally accept that God wanted me in this little Church.  Talk about a crisis of faith!!  I am and always has been an opponent of "Word of Faith" theology.  Why?  WHY??!!!!  Why would God want me to spend 3.5 years in a church for which I have little regard?   Actually, the pastor of that church was quite orthodox in his teachings whenever he wasn't preaching from Word of Faith theology.   But when he taught Word of Faith schlock I had great difficulty keeping my seat and my lunch.  All I wanted was out of that church.  The day did come when I left, but what didn't leave was the question..."Why, God would you send me to a Word of Faith church?"  It took a while later but the answer was incredibly simple:  to teach me submission.  God didn't leave me in that church long, and then he moved me.   I wasn't hurt by my short time in that church.  I wouldn't want to go back, but I understand that if churches are orthodox in their core beliefs there is always hope for God to work.  

I'm not joining the Roman Catholic Church, but if they show themselves to be committed lovers of God I accept them as such.  Do I believe the RCC needs reform?  Yes I do, but I also believe all the rest of us need to keep the reformation going as well.   I'm going to keep loving my RCC brothers and sisters, and trust God to help us all to Holy Spirit lead reformation. 

Bottom line if you're going to criticize know what you are criticizing.  If you don't know what you're talking about, but want to keep talking, then educate yourself.  Or better yet, just shut up.  My late father loved to quote one from Mark Twain.  Twain actually stole it from the Bible, but that is beside the point.  

"It is better to be silent, and thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."

WORD!!

Does God Still Speak?

Nope!  Not how God speaks.

"My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me."

John 10:27

When I say, "God speaks to me", I'm saying a great deal more.  I spent the early years of my relationship with God wondering who was doing the talking.  My own feelings fairly shrieked at me.  What other people felt and wanted got through loud and clear.  That crappy Pharisaical religious voice could have ruined my whole life.   Was God speaking to me at the time?  Yes, surprisingly, very often.  Now when I say God speaks or spoke to me, I don't mean God sat down across a table from me at Starbucks.  Don't get me wrong that would be so unutterably cool, but that isn't God's style.  Learning God's style of speaking is very important.  There are many people who believe many things about God which have nothing to do with God at all.   How does God speak?  How can I know it is God speaking and not merely my own selfish desires, someone elses selfish desires, or even the narrow dogma of the self-appointed Pharisaical morality police?

WHO DO YOU SAY JESUS IS?

The first and most important step to hearing from God is to recognize that God is a completely separate person from oneself.  My friend Shawn tells the story of a seminary professor. who always asks his first year students to explain their personal view of Jesus Christ.  Without fail, the majority of his students present a view of Jesus Christ as a person who is just like them.  This professor then sets out to present Jesus of Nazareth as a person who stands alone.  At the end of the course this professor again asks his students to write about their personal view of who Jesus is.  Again, without fail, the majority of his students, despite his best efforts to challenge their thinking, present a personal perspective that Jesus is a person just like them. 

God is nothing like me or you.  We are God's good idea, but we have taken it upon ourselves to ruin God's idea.  God is his own person, and the only human who is like him is Jesus.  This is why everyone born of God is predestined to be conformed to the image and likeness of Christ.  Jesus is not a miracle working appendage of mine.  Jesus is not a celestial slot machine which pays off if I put enough "faith" quarters in the coin slot.   If Jesus is just like me, then we have an enormous problem.  I can't save myself, so if Jesus is just like me, he can't save me, and he'd be doomed himself.   Jesus is not a Republican or a Democrat; not a conservative and not a liberal.  Jesus would never vote for Obama or Bush.  Jesus is a king, and he has his own kingdom.  It is recorded in the gospel of John, no less than four times, that Jesus' kingdom is not of this world.   It doesn't matter how many times God says something, people who've decided God is like them will make God say the most outrageous, and all too often heinous things. 

I remember a call from a woman when I worked the prayer line at my first church.  She called and wanted God to make this guy she was interested in romantically, declare himself.  She had other opportunities, and wanted to pursue those if the guy wasn't into her.  I asked her why she didn't merely pray for God's perfect will.  Her response shocked me.  She said, "I was married before, and at first he seemed like a Christian, but he turned out to be a false believer and a cheater."   She continued, "I asked God over and over to tell me if I shouldn't marry him, and God never warned me."   She finished with, "I'm not sure I can trust God..."  I said, "May I ask you a personal question?"  She responded, "Sure, I may not answer it, but you can ask."  I asked, "Did you and your ex-husband have sex before marriage?"   "Ummm..." she was caught off guard, but collected herself quickly, "I don't know what it has to do with anything...but yes, we did."  She wasn't too happy about the direction of our conversation.   She then asked, rather testily, "What does that have to do with God answering me about whether or not I should have married him?!"   I responded as calmly as I could, "Well, what does the Bible say about sex outside of marriage?"   "We were going to get married anyway, so I don't see what difference it makes," she fairly spat out.   I asked again, "What does God tell us in the Bible about sex outside of marriage...?"   This phone call wasn't going the direction she wanted, and she didn't bother hiding her increasing frustration and anger.  "WHAT HAS THAT GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING?"  "THAT MARRIAGE IS OVER, AND GOD NEVER BOTHERED WARNING ME..."   I said, "God tells us to "flee" sexual immorality, doesn't it?"   She was nearly yelling at me, "OKAY, YES, BUT SO WHAT?  GOD COULD STILL HAVE WARNED ME NOT TO MARRY THE GUY!!"  I responded, again as calmly as I could, "God already spoke to you through what has been written in the Bible for thousands of years... If you didn't listen to what is clearly stated in black and white, why would God think you'd listen to anything else?"  "You didn't care about anything God said, so you certainly won't care about anything else he is going to say."   Utter silence... for the first time she was listening and not pushing for having her prayer.   "Okay," she said, "you're right...maybe God didn't warn me because I wasn't listening."   She continued attempting to be quite reasonable, "I'm trying to seek God now, and I haven't had sex with this guy..."   I said, "Alright... may I pray for God's perfect will for your life?"   The anger returned, "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST PRAY THE PRAYER I WANT YOU TO PRAY???!!!".  "NO!" I said, "I will gladly pray for you, but I will only pray for God's perfect will... take it or leave it."  

She left it.  I was a judgmental little a-hole wasn't I?  Actually, I wasn't judging her.  It hadn't been all that long since I'd quit having sex outside of marriage myself.  If she hadn't been professing to be a committed Christian, I'd have never handled the situation the way I did.   I'd been hanging out with hookers for a couple of years by this point and my judgmental attitude had been undergoing a radical change.  I didn't see this woman as some terrible sinner.  I saw her as no different from myself.  I'd always wanted God to accept my sexually active lifestyle, but...BUT I certainly never made God in my own image.  I never made for myself a Jesus who winked at my sin; or a 20th Century Jesus who was with "the program".   My own view of my "immoral" lifestyle had also begun to change.  By the end of my lifestyle I wasn't enjoying sex anymore.  It was more like having hives that could never be scratched into submission.  I'm certain that when I started having sex I enjoyed it plenty, but no one had ever told me that when the pain, loneliness, and self-loathing get powerful enough you can't remember anything good about it.  I didn't hate the woman on the other end of the phone line.  I didn't condemn her, but I knew from my own life experience and my experiences with hookers that God has an important point to make about sexuality.   I didn't know all God's reasons for putting the boundaries around human sexuality, but I was quietly glad for the change in my own life.  I never scratched the itch enough to make it go away, but I found in God's boundaries, for the first time, the freedom I thought I would find in "sexual" freedom.   Were God not different, those, "proverbial" hives would have surely lead to my death, by my own hand. 

The bottom line for me is, always has been, and always will be, God is his own person.  He conforms me to the likeness and image of Jesus.  I do not define God, and the longer I live the more I am glad God is VASTLY DIFFERENT from me.

When God speaks he doesn't sound like us, and he doesn't think like us.  When God speaks it is costly to give an ear.   Jesus said it..."Then Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said to him, “One thing you lack: Go your way, sell whatever you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, take up the cross, and follow Me.”  Mark 10:21  When God looks at us with love one of the things he always says to us is, ..."come, take up the cross, and follow me."   God isn't a bully.  God knows the truth about me, and all of human kind.   "There is a way that seems right to a person, but in the end it is the path to death."  Proverbs 14:12  

The Joel Osteen Magic Bible Spell

I made a nasty comment about Joel Osteen over on @trunthepaige blog.  Paige's response was to quote the Osteen Magic Bible Spell.  To cast the spell you take a Bible of your choice, KJV has the most mojo, so if you want the very best result from the Magic Bible Spell you have to go old school.  You take the Bible into your right hand, hold it high above your head, and recite:

"This is my Bible: I am what it says I am; I have what it says I have; I can do what it says I can do. Today, I will be taught the Word of God" 

And  I got to thinking...Would the Osteen Magic Bible Spell work with any other kind of literature?   Would the great Osteen Magic Bible Spell work if we substituted... say... pornography?  

"This is my Pornography: I am what it says I am; I have what it says I have; I can do what it says I can do.  Today, I will be taught the word of pornography."

TOTALLY WORKED!!!  The Osteen Magic Bible Pornography Spell works! 

I've decided to let Paige break the news to Osteen.  I'm sure, before too long, we'll be seeing a naked Joel Osteen leading the new Osteen Magic Pornography Spell. 

Now how about each of you take the Magic Bible Spell and see if it will work with home and garden magazines, how about the Dupont Registry or Forbes?? 

Why I Treat Trolls Differently

I said to Lobo/Curtis nay "PlatotheSmurf",  "Attending your funeral would be the best medicine.  I'd even bring roses!  I'd toss grenades into you coffin, to make absolutely certain, but then toss roses.  I'd cry real tears of pure joy too!"  Harsh, right?  But funny too...come on, it's funny.  As it happens Lobo/curtis shut down her...his...who gives a crap?  Got my wish, didn't get to toss grenades, but it shut down the site.  It'll be back, probably before this post is complete.  

We're talking about fiction.  We're not talking about real human beings.  Oh, there are beings behind the keyboards, but their online presence is, let's be honest, is less than humane, and is, in fact, trollish.  

• They don't ever tell us who they are.  When Curtis came along he called himself "Lobornlite", and presented a photo of a beautiful exotic model.  Not an exotic male model, but female.   So Curt you a beautiful female model trapped in a male body?  I don't believe it.  Lobo is a fiction.  Now I'm not against fiction.  I like fiction, but I don't like fiction paraded around as fact.  Trolls are a fiction created to hide the person in front of the keyboard.  No I don't care about the fiction.
  
•  "Catfishing", "Trolling", "farming".  Is it social networking or antisocial networking?  Let's face it this isn't about building society, it's about deceiving society.  If you can be whoever and whatever you want on line, then why not be someone else?   Honestly this isn't real life.  If I wanted to I couldn't give you who I truly am.  There are some Xangans I want to meet in person, and I'm sure these folks are are as real as I try to be.  Still there are things we don't know about each other, and there are thing we simply leave out.  Social networking isn't truly done in front of a computer.  I know this is the direction our society is going, but honestly we need to start looking for a place for jumping off the Facebook track.   Get to know your neighbors if you can, and do social networking the old fashioned way.  They're hiding stuff too, but if you keep pushing the relationship aspect you may learn what your neighbor really needs, and God can work through any willing old cracked pot.
  
• They don't follow the rules of common decency and polity.  The trolls always change the rules to suit themselves, but continually give themselves a complete pass when it comes to treating others with any semblance of respect and equity.  They will always demand that you must listen to your "better angels", but refuse to give you anything but troll vomit in return.  They don't want a conversation they want to dominate, belittle, and manipulate anyone who comes along.  

I block trolls, so  I can't see when they comment me on someone else's comments page.  I find them commenting me by accident.  Since I never, under any circumstances, read troll vomit, and I never visit their sites, I have no clue what they say too or about me.  I ignore what they say and say all kinds of nasty things about them, for daring to think they should be allowed to waste my time with their troll crap.  The only way to control a control freak is to take away all their control, over you, at the very least.  Take the troll out their control. 

I'm sorry if anyone is offended by the way I treat trolls, but I don't treat fiction like fact.  I'm not giving fiction the level of respect I give to my fellow human beings.  And trolls are the lowest type of fake life forms, so it gets thrown in the trash, just like I threw away all the porn magazines when I became a follower of Christ.  Like it or not that is my take on the matter, and I'm sticking to it.  

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  1. If you could make a 30 second speech to the entire world, what would you say?   God loves you and he desires only to have relationship with us.  He desires that his relationship lead to healed and whole relationships with our fellow human beings.

  2. If you were going to die at midnight, what would you be doing at 11:45pm?   That is 10 minutes away, so I'll be watching the Oscars, and writing this blog entry.  So I'd say bye to all my Xanga loves, and I'm happy Anne Hathaway won for Les Mis.!!  DANIEL DAY LEWIS-- BEST ACTOR FOR "LINCOLN" !!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3.How do you really KNOW anything for sure?  Life experience.  Wake up every morning, feel the hard floor; taste the hot and bitter coffee; realize you're going to be late and run around like you're butt is on fire.  You've been here many times before.

  4. If you had all the money in the world but still had to have some kind of job, what would you choose to do?  Do theater with mentally and physically challenged youth.

  5. When you’re 90 years old, what will matter most to you?  DEPENDS

  6. What do you regret most so far in life?  I'm 49 years old there are so many things.  But I can say the thing I regret most have been the times I've resisted God

  7. How can you apply the lesson you learned from that regret to your life TODAY?  I repent quickly, and ask for grace.  It's working better than anything else ever did.

  8. What would you change if you were told with 100% certainty that God does not exist? Or if you don’t believe in God, that he does exist?  There are lots of people who claim 100% certainty about God existing and God not existing.  I say ask God if he exists.  God tells us those who belong to him will live by faith.  People who speak of 100% have not yet encountered the true God and the life of faith.

  9. If you lost everything tomorrow, whose arms would you want to run into? Does that person know how much they mean to you?  I'm blessed that I have many people I can turn to at such a time.  And yes I tell them very often how important they are to me.

  10. Do you fear death? If so, do you have a good reason?  I don't think I do, but I've still got 10 minutes before midnight.  I'm looking forward to checking out of this dog and pony show.

  11. What would you change if you knew you were NEVER going to die?  I'd have my head cut off, so I didn't have to think about never dying.

  12. If you were at heaven’s gates, and God asked “you why should I let you in?”, what would you say?  "Jesus of Nazareth was scourged and nailed to a Roman cross.  Jesus took all of my worthlessness, brokenness, and sins upon himself.  In exchange Jesus bestowed upon me all of his worth, wholeness, and righteousness.  Jesus is all the reason.

  13. When will you be good enough for you? Is there some breaking point where you will accept everything about yourself?  I don't think along those lines.  Whatever comes, comes.  God's intent is to conform me to the image and likeness of his Son, Jesus.   Accept or don't accept.  It doesn't matter really, so I try not to think about it.
  

  14. Is the country you live in really the best fit for you?  I don't know.  I've never lived in any other country.  I know the language and the culture.  I'm nearly 50 years old, so if there was a better fit, I should have looked for it when I was a much younger person.  Fit or not I'll likely stick around this country.

  15. What would people say about you at your funeral?  I honestly don't know I'll be dead.  I've never asked anyone what they would say at my funeral.  If I died tonight I think there would be a lot of, "man he died young."  if I die later, many of the people I'd liked to have speak about me at my funeral will likely be dead before I die.  If that's the case then I shall speak at theirs, and I'm a great speaker for special occasions.  Ask any of the dead people I've spoken about so far!

  16. What small thing could you do to make someone’s day better?   Be kind, be genuinely concerned and truly care.

  17. (If you believe in god) would your relationship with god change it all if you were told with 100% certainty that he was actually a she?  I don't believe God is limited to/by gender.

  18. What do you believe stands between you and complete happiness?  My heartbeat.

  Post a blog with your answers and tag me in it, i'd like to know what your answers are.  @TheOneWhoSaysItAll
  

   
   
  IT'S 12:16 I'm still alive WOOT!
  

The State of Christianity Today

Early in my Christian walk I tried to express to my fellow Christians what it was like to deal with Christians when I self-identified as gay.  I came up with a little parable to better explain my experiences.

Imagine a beautiful lake surrounded by gently rolling green hills and edged all about with forest.  About 50 yards from shore there appears to be a man drowning.  Fortunately there is a little rowboat manned by two men, just to the left and just out of reach of the drowning man.  One is at the boat's oars and the other is truly an odd sight to behold.  The second man is attempting to stand at the front of the little boat, but what's really odd is the manner of the man's dress.  The man attempting to stand in the boat is dressed from head to foot in high church garb, and he's carrying a rather ornate, but impractical looking, shepherd's crook.  This "bishopy" looking fellow is wearing the high cone hat with tails, the long bejeweled outer robes, and there is a wide bejeweled church sash looking thing hanging about his neck and running half way down the front of his high church vestments.  He's wearing little white gloves and in one hand he has what appears to be a small anchor.  The high church, "bishopy" looking man is speaking to the drowning man.  He says, warmly and with feeling, "Dear brother! We want you to know that we, our church, desire to stand with you in complete solidarity."  The "bishopy" looking chap is struggling to maintain emotional composure, and even takes a moment to wipe away a small tear from his eye.  He clears his tight throat a little, and says with a husky voice, "So that you may always know we support you completely, we have made this sculpture of an anchor for you."   The high churchy man says, ceremoniously, "We give you this anchor to remind you, always, to stay anchored in who you think you are, and that we are with you in this your choice to drown yourself."  The bishopy man and his oarsman smile, then offer small applause.  Finally, with a wave of the "bishopy" chap's gloved hand, the fellow at the oars begins to pull at those oars and away they glide toward shore. 

Off to the right of our little scene is a pier which juts from the land out onto the lake.  Still the drowning man is about 50 yards from this pier to his right.  At the end of this pier is another rather odd sight to behold.  At the end of the pier is a man wearing a navy blue suit, sporting a well oiled crew cut, and in one of his hands is a coffee table Bible.  (I mean the Bible is the size of a coffee table...King James Version, of course!).  The man starts shouting out to the drowning man, "HEY!!!  HEY YOU, DROWNING MAN!!!  STOP THAT DROWNING!!!  DON'T YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DROWN YOU'LL BURN IN HELL?!?!?  Immediately after shouting at the drowning man, the Bible toating man then hurls a rock at the man in the water.  After throwing the rock the man yells, even louder, at the drowning man, "HEY!!!  WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER HERE AND LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT JESUS?!?!?"  The second shout is followed by another stone sent rocketing toward the head of the drowning man.   Then shouting a third time, "HEY, DUDE!!!   I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!!!  "IF YOU WOULD JUST STOP DROWNING LONG ENOUGH JESUS CAN SET YOU FREE AND THEN YOU CAN BE LIKE ME!!!  Our religious zealot throws a new volley of rocks at the head of our drowning man, but soon decides to leave, grumbling about how the drowning man treated him.  "Jesus said people would hate and persecute me, because I am a Christian." 

Further from the shore of the lake is a man sitting with his wife on the fence which runs around the lake.  The man says to his wife, "Say, do you think that guy is swimming, or do you think he might be drowning?"   His wife squints up her eyes, uses her hand as a visor to block the glare of the sun and says, "I don't know, he's too far away for me to really tell what he's doing."   The husband hunches into a Rodin's "The Thinker" kind of pose and considers the matter.  Finally he says "Maybe we should call 911 for the guy."  The wife quickly responds, "Honey, you're a good man, but we're to far away to really know what is going on over there.  I'm afraid we might embarrass the man if he isn't really drowning."  Then the wife continued sagely, "Judge not, lest you be judged..."  And finally the wife said, "We don't know enough to make a real decision, so let's just enjoy our day out, and let that person in the water enjoy their day out at the lake."

What do you suppose happened to the man drowning in the lake?  He drowned, of course.  The man was accepted and loved right where he was.  The man was condemned for where he was, and the man was ignored where he was, because "Who are we to say the guy is drowning, maybe he's doing some new kind of water exercise; it's best not to judge."

What I needed from Christians was for one of them to dive into my situation.  What I needed was someone to believe God rather than what their feelings, or the feelings of others told them.  I was drowning and everyone judged my situation.  No one judged my situation from a place of understanding or experience, everyone judged my situation from their own personal feelings about where and what I was.  Granted there were lots of drowning people around me who kept telling everyone we were fine, we were just born to drown, as it were, and,  "Leave us alone or you're judgmental and hateful!"  God clearly sees the world drowning in sin, and he expects those who call themselves Christians/Christ followers to ask him for eyes to see the way he sees.  God looks on the inside, and knows drowning when he sees it.  It isn't a bad thing not to jump to judgment, but walk closer  to the situation and judge from up close.  It isn't a bad thing to hold to God's righteous standard, but move closer and learn that though the lost may have done a swan dive into the deep end, of their own free will, they now need saving.  All the right knowledge in the world about lifesaving are pointless and useless, if no one dives into to actually save the drowning person.  It is good to accept people where they are, but God has something much better for them.  Don't offer a person help to keep drowning.  God loves us where we are, but he saves us from drowning in our own sins. 

Jesus came to a world which hated, reviled, and ultimately murdered him.  Jesus didn't come to condemn or confirm sinners in their sins.  Jesus came to find and save what was lost.   What Jesus did is overcome the world, and anyone truly born again; born of God's own Spirit; given a new born spirit called the "divine seed" which literally means "sperm of God", will be conformed to the image and likeness of Jesus Christ.  Jesus came to find and save, and that is the same thing Christ followers will do.  It's isn't optional it is hardwired into our new spiritual DNA.  Jesus dove into a drowning world, and started pulling drowning people to eternal life, freedom, and safety.  That is the Christian's birthright and the Christian's call.  You can't belong to Christ and love people til they drown.  You can't belong to Christ and condemn them from drowning.  And you can't belong to Christ sitting on a fence with no opinion on sin when God tells us exactly what he thinks of sin.

No one dove into the water to save the dying man.  Everyone did what was right in his own mind, but Jesus dove in to rescue.  We are warned again and again by Christ and the apostles he appointed and empowered to do and speak for him.

^"To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

John 8:31-32

Believing means doing.  Belief in Jesus Christ is always a 3 part matter.  1) Do what Jesus says. 2) This makes us true disciples, and as we do more and more what Jesus teaches the more we become his true disciples.  3) As we practice Jesus' teaching, becoming more and more his disciples, then the truth sets us free.  Being and doing go hand in hand.

 ^"For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

Ephesians 2:10

Obeying God is simply what believers in Jesus Christ do, it is what we are new born to do.  God has already gone before and prepared our way for us.  We can dive in with absolute confidence that God is with us, and though we do not know what to do, God does.  When we need the knowledge he gives us the knowledge we need.  Think about Moses parting the Red Sea.  We like to see things the way Cecil B. Demille saw Moses.  We imagine Moses standing on a rock ledge jutting out over the sea, and Moses grandly gesturing for the sea to part.  The truth is God commanded Moses to start walking toward the sea.  Moses grand gesture was to walk straight into the sea.  Many have said the sea probably parted about the time the water was licking at Moses' bottom lip. 

That's it!  That's what I'm talkin' bout!!

"Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says."

James 1:22

There is no way around it.  We will either go with our own thinking about things, or we will obey God, and do what Jesus teaches.  We will either find reasons not to dive into a drowning world, or we will be like Jesus Christ, and dive, without knowing anything more than he has called us to obedience.  We may call ourselves by which ever religious sounding term we choose, but the Bible is utterly clear about what a Christian is to do.  To merely listen to right teaching without right action is self-deception. 

 “If you love me, keep my commands."

John 14:15

No one says it better than Jesus!  Stop doing what you think is right, and then stamping God's name on it.  If the sinner drowns, but you've excused yourself and didn't dive in, then expect the righteous judgment of God condemning you for not being like Christ.  You're going to have to be like Moses and get wet.  4 times Moses gave God good reasons why he, Moses, was the wrong guy to send to Pharaoh demanding the freedom of the Hebrew Slaves.  God didn't become angry with Moses, but carefully explained to him that he would be there to get Moses out of trouble.  The fifth time Moses came clean and asked God to send some other savior to Egypt.  When Moses asked God to find someone else to send to Egypt, we are told, "God's anger burned against Moses."   Seriously, honestly, do you, Christian/Christ follower believe God will withhold his anger if you make excuses, and then refuse to obey his commands?  So, okay, be self-serving if you must.  If you're not motivated by empathy and compassion for the drowning man, then dive in to save your own skin.  Dive in to reach a drowning world because you fear God, and his condemnation for your disobedience.

The point has never been the sin of the world, the point has always been that Jesus overcomes the sin of the world.  If you have the cure, then the point is to offer the cure.  If the world rejects the cure then you're off the hook.  But if you offer everything including acceptance of sin, condemnation, or nothing at all, that is NOT offering Jesus' overcoming the world.  God has the answer simply give that answer.  But you're going to have to dive in to give that answer up close and personal, just the way Jesus did.  From God's point of view we shouldn't worried about our "rights" in this world, we should be focused on our responsibilities to serve God and his kingdom, just exactly the way Jesus did.

"Jesus gave them this answer: “Very truly I tell you, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does."

John 5:19

GET THE POINT?? Now go ye, and do likewise!

I Didn't Know I Was Missing

I love this cartoon!  It's called "writer's block"

“Behold! My Servant whom I uphold,
My Elect One in whom My soul delights!
I have put My Spirit upon Him;
He will bring forth justice to the Gentiles.
 He will not cry out, nor raise His voice,
Nor cause His voice to be heard in the street.

A bruised reed He will not break,
And smoking flax He will not quench;
He will bring forth justice for truth.

He will not fail nor be discouraged,
Till He has established justice in the earth;
And the coastlands shall wait for His law.”

Isaiah 42:1-4

I heard about this movie several months ago, and I heard very good things.  When it was in theaters I wouldn't go see it, but for some reason I really wanted to see this film.  There were two young actors in the leads I think are two of the best up and coming actors.  The actors are Logan Lerman and Emma Watson, and the movie is called, The Perks of Being a Wallflower.   I hate teen dramas/comedies.  American Pie??!!  SUCK!!!  My generation put out the best teen dramas of any age.  Movies like Sixteen Candles, and The Breakfast Club.  Unfortunately there have been very few who have done anything as well as the ones I mentioned.   When I saw the movie hit iTunes and Amazon, I kept coming back to it.  I'd pull up The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and think, "Lerman was exceptional in 3:10 to Yuma, with Christian Bale and Russel Crowe."  "I should really give this movie a try, and Emma Watson is in it, and I think she's an incredible young actor."  Still I'd find something else I wanted to watch more.  A few days ago when I was off, and I was perusing the iTunes store I saw the movie.  I thought, "It's 5 bucks, if it sucks, at least I didn't spend twice that at a theater."  I was riveted from the beginning, but I didn't know why.  There was something going on with Lerman's character, "something is kicking this kid's butt."  then Watson's character shows up, and I'm thinking, "Something is kicking this kid's butt!"  Not one but two lead characters who are being consumed by something in the dark, something we can't see, and it started driving me bat house.  My stomach flip flopped, and suddenly I couldn't breathe very well.  I had to turn the movie off. 

Something is kicking my butt, and I'm not a kid, and I'm not going to watch this movie anymore.  "I need to hit the hay, I am dead tired, and maybe I'll finish this tomorrow..."  I've got the lights shut off, I'm walking to my bedroom, and this thought enters my mind, "Lonnie, you haven't written in a while..."  It's the gentlest thought.  There is no reproof, not even a hint of a rebuke in the thought.  It's like a very concerned parent reminding a child of an upcoming deadline for a book report.  I couldn't breath!  I felt like someone had punched me in the gut, and I couldn't get any air.  My solar plexus locked up, and nothing was going to get in or out of my lungs!!   Tears gushed from my eyes, and I doubled over.  "God," I managed to gasp out, "You just don't understand God, I can't..."  WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME RIGHT NOW!?   WHERE DID ALL OF THIS COME FROM?!  

I don't need this in my life right now.  I'm a 49 year old guy with a full plate professionally, and I'm doing okay!  I'm doing better than I'd been a year or two ago.  I was tired, overworked, and SOMETHING IN THAT MOVIE IS BEATING ME UP!!  What was kicking my can I honestly couldn't tell you.  It's a frickin teen movie, and God knows I lived through enough of those when I was a teen, and none ever brought so much as a mist to my eyes.  I have never had such a response to a movie in my life.  Okay, I admit there were two times watching The Color Purple I break down and ball like a little girl.  You've got to be a total douche if you don't feel something, when Celie and her sister are reunited after years of separation. 

But I digress...

There were no words, it was simply pain, and absolute terror.  Seriously I'mma have long talk with God about all this girly crap I got instead of the ability to do math, fix cars, do handy man stuff.  On a scale of 1 to 10 on the manly stuff meter I got like a -10.  I mean I can't hit a baseball, throw a football, or hammer a nail straight....IT SUCKS!!!  

But I digress...again...

"I'm going to bed God, if you want to talk about this, talk to the wall, I'm going to bed."  I was completely worn out, but I had no idea how worn out I'd become.  I did watch the rest of the movie the next day. I had stopped watching moments before Emma Watson's character gives voice to what happened to her at the hands of her abuser.  My solar plexus knew what was going to happen before any of the rest of me knew.  My story and the story on screen were beginning to share the same track.  This is where Isaiah 42:1-4 comes in. 

"A bruised reed He will not break,
And smoking flax He will not quench;
He will bring forth justice for truth."

We'd like it if God would simply take all of our issues and sins and take them away from us, but God rarely does this.  When the Bible says, "A bruised reed he will not break, and smoking flax he will not quench...," what is being said is, God doesn't simply take stuff away, or put a stop to everything.  There are hurts done to us, hurts we've done to others, and those actions take over pieces of real estate in our souls.  I've had this call to write this book for over a decade.  I've completed a book, but not the one I'm supposed to be writing.  The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, has a very powerful impact on me, because the lead characters have lost their voices and can't tell their stories.  Lerman's character nearly self-destructs.  Abuse and misuse take away the voice.  "No one will listen to me..."  "No one will believe me..."   I thought I was past the little lost boy stage, but clearly I wasn't.  I haven't been able to write about my own experiences because I've always been convinced at the deepest, most hidden part of myself that I have no voice.  I can write about many things, and I've certainly given voice on this blog, but I control this blog.  I can't control what someone does with a book, once published. 

God doesn't simply move us on; clean our slate; bury our past.  Those things which harm us must be taken care of, once and for all with God's overcoming power.  I can tell you why most sexually broken people don't make it as Christians.  They don't believe themselves worthy of love, and enduring the pain a second time, they've already suffered is very difficult to face.  It is much easier to settle for sexual desires and acting out, than it is to allow God to draw out of you those poisonous things which have been destroying you.  God doesn't let sleeping dogs lie, God works in us until everything is out of us, and we find our voice.  And God doesn't do what modern psychology does.  God doesn't simply tear our guts out of us, and then leave them lying on the floor.  God brings his healing presence and sets us free from the inner bondage we've given ourselves.  God doesn't give up, until he has us completed. 

So I'm finding my voice, and I'm writing a book called, Hookers Taught Me Everything I Needed To Know About God's Love.  The title's a winner, in any case. 

@BookMark61  Brett, you asked me how my writing was going, and now you know!

Simply Put:
The Difference Is I Am Different

All of my life I have had the sense I was walking with one foot up on a curb and one foot down on the road.  Ever walked with one foot stepping up on the curb while the other is down on the road?  You walk long enough one foot on the curb and one foot off, and you're back, hips, knees, ankles, and feet will begin to hurt.  The action of walking on such an uneven path is jarring and punishing to the whole body.  It isn't shocking why you'll only ever see children walking with one foot up on the curb and one foot off.  Adults have learned that one foot on the curb and one foot off the curb gets you nothing but pain.  Find a smooth and level path, and not only can you walk with comfort, but you'll find you can run as well.  The way of least resistance is the path all of us find, but that path, if followed to it's end is the road to destruction.   Were I not different I would have died with many of my friends in the late 80's and early 90's who died of AIDS.  I was gay.  Yes I "was" gay, as in, "I once was, but now I am not."   What is the difference between me and the majority of gay people?  I didn't merely settle for what I "felt" to be true about myself.  I wanted cold, hard, concrete facts to support what my feelings told me.  Feelings are often wrong.  My feelings about others had been wrong.  Perhaps the problem wasn't anything to do with anything in the world and the problem might just be with my gay feelings.  Maybe my feelings were broken.  I set off on a ten year odyssey to discover if I was really born gay.  I had no idea the education I'd receive, but it isn't the education I could ever have expected.  My educational journey is one of those experiences which is worth $1 million, but if someone had offered me a million dollars to go on the journey I'd never have taken it. 

I simply wanted to know if my homosexuality was biologically determined.  After that ten year educational journey I would learn that human sexuality isn't hardwired.  In humans the biology of sexuality works the way biology works for the development of spoken language.  Biology dictates that humans may learn a spoken language.  Biology does not dictate the language we will speak;  biology doesn't dictate that we speak Tamil, English, or Swahili.  Biology only grants the ability.  Biology dictates that we may develop sexuality, but biology CANNOT dictate the language, or more precisely, biology cannot dictate orientation.  It's just the facts folks.  No one is born gay, and just as important; no one is born straight. 

I'm different, plain and simple.  And would you like to know what sets me apart from the gay people you know?  I didn't choose my gay feelings.  I want to make that absolutely 100% clear:  I DID NOT CHOOSE MY GAY FEELINGS.  But, unlike all the gay people I have known I made the choice to challenge and change those feelings.  God never reached down and took my feelings away.  When my thinking started changing then my actions started changing, and the more I challenged and changed my thinking and my behavior started changing then my feelings started changing.  I didn't do it by myself, God really did all the work I simply did my little part.  I chose to change the way I thought, and changed thoughts brought about changed behavior, and as behavior changed then feelings changed as well.  I didn't choose my gay feelings those were largely the result of what had been done to me.  I didn't even think I had to right to decide anything for myself.  Because my father, basically handed me over to the cruel mental torture my uncle gleefully meted out to me, I settled for feelings which continued my abuse by my own hands.  I was well trained by my abusers, and continued to believe I didn't have a say, didn't have a right, to have my own need for love and belonging.  Others chose to heap cruelty upon me, and I became convinced I was worthless,  no one could love me, and I had no place in this world.  I always lived with the notion that I was an object to be used, and nothing I felt or wanted mattered.  I didn't pull away from people because I feared rejection.  I pulled away from people, because I didn't want to burden them with my loathsome presence.  If I could do something for someone then I could enjoy their companionship for awhile.  It would never last of course.  I never could figure out how to know when my usefulness ended, so I spent most of the time just keeping my distance.  I honestly never minded being used.  When I say that I really mean it.  I never minded being used, it was what I was for after all. 

The Summer of my 8th year I took swimming lessons at the public pool in my town.  One day a boy a couple years older than me stole something from another swim student.  I confronted the boy, telling him, "Stealing is wrong, you can't steal."  He closed the distance between us, glared at me for a moment, and then he spit in my face.  I won't say it was a lot of fun, being spit on, but I fully understood why he spit on me.  I knew from my uncle that spitting on someone was a bad insult, but  I did not feel insulted.  The boy had the right to react the way he did.  I'd upset him.  If he hadn't stolen I would never have bothered him.  If he had chosen to throw me in the pool instead of stealing, I'd have been completely okay with that.  I was merely an object to be used as anyone liked.  I wasn't a real boy, couldn't have anything real, and that included relationships.  I would never have chosen to feel gay, but being an object certainly lead me to those feelings.  There was a real living, needy, empty souled boy, but he'd been completely locked away, and the empty thing was left behind.  No love could penetrate, and that is the way it was supposed to be.  I had been convinced by my users/abusers I was a thing for their use and abuse.  The need for belonging and loving never goes away, but you can't expect those things; you don't have even the right to expect those things.  I was locked away in a cold empty dark cage inside.  I didn't believe anyone could or would love me, accept me, or want anything to do with me, unless I was some use.  So I settled for something much less than love, acceptance, and belonging.  I settled for intense sexual feelings; the merest crumbs of human kindness.  Homosexuality was a good fit for me, because no one would ever have to get the real me.  I could have sex with guys, and enjoy, vicariously "maleness".  The ironic thing is some of these boys were more girl than a lot of girls I knew.  Still I settled.   I didn't think that what I was doing was using those boys.  I didn't think about it, because subjectively I was an object.  What can an object do, but objectify others?   Every time I had sex I was merely using the other person, and I was being used.  This was my life.

When Christ came to find me, he offered me something I'd never had...worth.   He didn't reach into his pocket and pull out a pricing gun and raise my price a couple of dollars.  Jesus offered me his own value.  He took all my worthlessness, and gave me all his worth.  I didn't deserve it, but Jesus never asked or demanded I be worth it.  All Jesus wanted was to free me so I could be in relationship with him.   The difference between me and other gay people?  I chose to accept all Christ offered, and that included freedom from me, my prison, my worthlessness, my state of being a thing to be used and abused.  I chose to believe Christ over any of my own feelings.   The difference between me and others who are or have been same-sex attracted is I let Jesus into the dark, and allowed him to lead me out.  It was a long and difficult thing.  It is very difficult to become someone when all you've ever been is some thing.  There were many times I wanted to turn back, because I still didn't have any evidence I was someone.  God doesn't give up, and I'm thankful for that.  God keeps at it until he gets into us and gets us out of that darkness.  It is easier to settle, but God never allows his children to settle.  As my thinking has changed my actions have changed.  As my thinking changes and my actions change, then my feelings change as well.  The gay feelings never went away I simply grew out from under them.  Homosexuality isn't a state of being.  Homosexuality is a blockage to freedom, life, wholeness, and someoneness.  

I am completely different, because I will only settle for Christ.